THE "ALLIES" GAMBIT | 2001-04-14

Recently, American officials have been telling the press that "Russia is not our ally."

The reminder was necessary, because press and government use the term "allies" about any country that is not actively at war with us.

When China seized our airmen, it never occurred to anybody that a single one of our "allies" would jump to our defense, even verbally. We are obligated to help European "allies" defend and police Europe, but they owe us nothing. We are obligated to "consult with our allies," but they owe us nothing.

Like "hostages," the word "allies" has a different meaning when the United States Government, also known as Uncle Sucker, uses it.

So what does "ally" mean to an English-speaking person?

In 1812, the United States declared war on Great Britain. France was already at war with Britain. But we were not allies.

This had very practical implications. For example, it sometimes happened that a huge British Man of War was in a neutral harbor with an American warship and a French warship. When this happened, it was almost always the case that the British ship totally outclassed its two enemy vessels combined.

If they had been allies, the Americans and the Frenchmen would have had to coordinate a mutual defense for the time when they had to leave the safe harbor. But since they were not allies, one ship could sneak away while the other went out and got shot to pieces.

Uncle Sucker has half that relationship with our "allies" today. If somebody attacks Europe or Canada, we must come to their aid. If there is trouble anywhere in Europe, we must take the lead in taking care of it. If we get into trouble, our "allies'" only obligation is to sit back and criticize.

During Vietnam, the people we called "allies" were almost all havens for our draft dodgers. If they were really allies, that was a historical first.

This one-way relationship is reflected in the constant demand that we "consult with our allies." If Uncle Sucker is about to do anything, it must get the permission of its "allies." If we ask them to consult with us, that's American imperialism.

You cannot mention this because Hitler was a bad man. Liberals and respectable conservatives accuse anyone who criticizes our one-way relationship with our "allies" of being an "isolationist." "Isolationists" were people who opposed America's entry into World War II before Pearl Harbor.

So if you don't kowtow to our "allies," that makes you anaziwhowantstokillsixmillionjews.