SEX, REDNECKS AND HICKS | 2006-01-12
Some critic once wrote of a book:
"Some of it is true and some of it is new. "
"Unforunately nothing new in it is true and nothing true in it is new."
"I'd give it a miss."
My knowledge of sex falls into the exact same category. What I know that is new about sex can be comfortably fitted into a matchbox with the matches still in it, but what I know is NOT true about sex would fill volumes.
But my main job in this blog is to express exactly what you are thinking and to amuse you while doing it.
I expect my discussion of sex to do exactly that.
My whole life has been spent building up a total contempt for people who are trying desperately to be "sophisticated." Hick, redneck, ANYTHING is better than being accused of trying to be one of those pathetic little self-styled sophisticates the Southern white suburbs and country clubs are so infested with.
By the same token, I have steadily built up a truly militant contempt for guys who talk about how sexually sophisticated they are.
Naturally I have made up a joke that goes with this particular bit of tired contempt:
"From my conversation with other men, I have concluded that I am the only heterosexual male who did not lose his virginity before he lost his umbilical cord."
Men who are secure in their manhood don't brag about sex. The ones who do are the ones who do the talking, so my joke is very nearly true.
Every time guys start talking about sex, they say they not only lost their virginity before the rest of us reached puberty, but the girl they did it with said they were better than any man she had ever lain with.
The adult males in the room remain quiet, but another guy of this sort then pipes up and claims he lost his virginity even earlier and did it better.
The original speaker is then reminded of an earlier incident.
And so it goes, down to the umbilical cord bit.
If I am ever more or less forced to make a remark by somebody saying he saw me with some attractive girl and I probably started early with my gift of gab, I have a standard reply:
"No, I was a late bloomer. I did it late and I did it badly."
This is the exact equivalent of my reply to some "sophisticate" who indicates that I am a fellow sophisticate. When I reply that, under all my education, I am still a redneck from Pontiac, South Carolina.
It is an expression of bored contempt.
Nothing is a grosser insult than some sex-braggger including me as one of his fellow sex-braggarts or some pitiful little aspirant to "sophistication" counting me among his kin. But I try to react kindly by a self-deprecating joke instead of breaking into the physical violence I would like to commit on him.